Really young and really old people have a lot in common!!

Observation started with this post (http://mindfuldigressions.com/2015/03/12/how-often-do-you-fart/) by one of my favorite bloggers.  After complaining of stomach pains, and taking a lot of icky meds, his doctor asked him how often he farted, which prompted the following thoughts about the many similarities between babies and old people.

Their bowel movements are often observed and noted.  They’re either constipated of have the runs.  Neither of these conditions is very much fun.

A corollary to the above is that they pass gas pretty often.  That makes babies smile, and maybe old farts, too!

They wear diapers

They frequently visit doctors, even if they aren’t sick.

As people age, they often take on the characteristics of dependent children.

They sleep all day but are up all night.

They leave this world the same way they came into it: toothless, hairless and wrinkled

Prefer to take vitamins (and/or fiber) in the form of gummies.

Always want what they can’t have or is not good for them

A Senior Trying To Set A Password

old computer

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER:50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER:ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Dreams of an Old Fart

I thought I had stopped having dreams, at least the kind we had when we were kids. You know, the ones about how you’ll grow up and save the world, or be rich and famous, or maybe all that and then some? Maybe they would be better called fantasies instead of the dreams of youth.

It’s funny, but one thing I remembered clearly from those days is that I loved writing poetry. I guess it’s one of the few artistic endeavors I thought I had any talent for. Recently, upon entering my retirement, I signed up for a class called “Cultural Divide: Can We Close It Through Science-Flavored Poetry?” The curriculum included the opportunity to review works of about a dozen scientist-poets. As an Old Fart, I had no idea such a creature even existed, let alone in multiples! I remembered vaguely, though, that I had, once upon a time in 5th or 6th grade I think, written what I had thought was a great (and long!) poem about all the places I would go and visit, and what I would/could see and do there, if I ever had the chance.

Clearly, this poem encapsulated a range of my own youthful fantasies. Those youthful fantasies have been largely supplanted by my current and very different dreams. IDK – maybe I should call them Fantasies of an Old Fart instead?

Love at the White Castle or Driving thru Bojangles for V Day

Amazingly, as I promised the author over a whole month ago, I have actually remembered to reblog this on my weekly feature “Old Fart Fridays” because, really, most of us long-time paired-off old farts don’t like to fight crowds on any holiday.  Even more amazingly, I am actually posting it @ Valentine’s Day, which falls on Saturday (tomorrow) this year.  Unfortunately, my Old Fart spouse, has been sick this week.  Fortunately for him, though, I will be sharing with him tomorrow one of the Two Heart-Shaped Bo-Berry Biscuits for 99 Cents I purchased at Bojangles a couple of days ago.  http://newsroom.bojangles.com/press/155/bojangles-sweetens-valentines-day-with-heart-shaped-bo-berry-biscuits#.VN53qC4WZuk

 

Some good things about AARP

As a retired Old Fart, I now have the time to do a lot of reading, including AARP The Magazine, from cover to cover.  I found an article in the December 2014/January 2015 issue that I thought would do for Old Fart Friday.  It was written by Anne LaMott, whose writing is summarized in Wikipedia as self-deprecating humor and openness and covering such subjects as alcoholism, single-motherhood, depression, and Christianity.

I am not an alcoholic, single mother or Christian, but enjoyed parts of her article inaptly titled “Have a Little Faith” but aptly subtitled “How getting older deepened my belief in goodness … and in myself” which I have excerpted below. Although I do believe in goodness, I’m not sure that getting older has deepened my belief in it.  I agree with Ms Lamott, however, that getting older has deepened my belief in myself.

I was hanging out at the library with two old friends (who know that) sometimes the safety-deposit drawers at the memory bank get jammed. Our backs ache, and nothing has become higher, or firmer, in the past few decades (and) we laughed until the cranky young librarian glared at us.  Getting older has given me more comfort in not knowing the answers. I throw up my hands more often now; I shake my head in wonder at how inscrutable life is. I have finally figured out that “Figure it out” is not a great slogan. My new slogan is “Who knows?”— which leads quite easily to “Who cares?

My vision has blessedly blurred. This is a great advantage when you’re trying to live more spiritually, more expansively, more like Zorba the Greek and less like the Church Lady. For instance, when I sit on my bed now writing on my iPad, the top roll of tummy sometimes creeps over onto the screen and starts typing away. In the old days, upon noticing this unsought collaboration, I would have decided to start a new diet, or to end it all. Now I think, “Who knows? Maybe it’s got something interesting to add.”

I thought when I was younger that faith was about the confidence to say the great Yes to my own deepest desires, and that is true, as far as it goes. But a deepening faith has also shown me that it’s OK to say No. Plus, it has shown me that the word “No” is a complete sentence. This realization led to the single most important life lesson of all: No one over age 55 ever needs to help anyone move again if they don’t want to. Our job now is to help younger movers, with their strong backs and SUVs, by bringing over sandwiches and Cokes. Period.

I have grown better at recognizing when I’m the one in need of forgiveness. Most surprisingly, though, I have finally learned to forgive myself for most of my disappointing character traits and iffier decisions.

Laughter leads to more loving feelings. And as we age, we laugh at ourselves more sweetly. Yesterday, for instance, my left eye suddenly began to hurt for no reason. I instantly assumed I had inherited my mother’s glaucoma, or ocular shingles, and that it most certainly would lead to a glass eye and a guide dog. And this was all in the 40 seconds before my eye just as suddenly stopped hurting. I sighed. Then I patted myself gently, as I would a friend, and said, “There, there,” and went to make myself a cup of tea.